my little journal (-__-)"

my little journal....

everyone has their own little journal...

and i have u for my journal...

i'm not the type to jot down everything

that happened in my life on ur big n wide chest..

but when i can't hold 'em together inside of me..

i know i can rely on u dear...

my little journal...

i have a secret to tell u...

i've fall in love with this guy...

n i love him so much that i wud cry when i'm reminded of his laugh..

when i'm reminded of how he makes me cry..

when i'm reminded of how he smile eventho i haven't 

had a chance to see it live....

but i did fall in love with this guy...

who lived far away that i can't reach him now...

only phone calls can soothe my bleeding heart...

just hearing his sweet voice cure my night...

and put a smile on my face everytime his mood is right...

my little journal....

last night was the biggest pain in my life..

as how the person i love cursed my moms life...

as how he called me badly just because i'm telling whats right...

accused me of what i haven't done...

shoved me off like i'm a dog not worthwhile...

reminding me how ugly am i...

throw harsh words that makes my heart broke in thousands piles...

shattered my feelings just for a simple guy...

who was always a friend of mine....

my little journal....

i know u can't answer me anyhow...

but i feel lucky to always have u by myside now...

to tell u the truth...

i gave everything up just for this guy..

whose a friend of mine tell me that its not worthed for me to cry..

for how he treats me with those jealousy in his eyes...

and madness when i tell he's wrong everytime...

and how he tells me that he's sickened by me time by time...

he never listen to my words..

he never care about how i feel..

he once soothe me when i cried my lungs out for a night..

(for that im thankful for his by myside)

he hears me but does he listen to what i'm saying...

he hears me but does he understand the underlying meaning..

he hears me but does he believe in my doings...

he listen to others while i'm his girlfriend..

he worship others just because i'm un ugly duckling...

he praises others just because i'm not good enough for him...

how cruel this feelings i feel that is so hard to bare with..

feels like everything around me is not moving anymore...

i have done wrong too...

i never said that i'm good...

but at least i tell the truth when he asked me to..

i tried my best not to tell those words that can break him into two..

nor tell what others saying about him..

i don't want him to hurt badly..

i just want him to be happy..

i just want him to smile only for me..

i just want him to laugh because of me..

i just want him to look at me...

i just want him always with me...

we broke up several times...

still i know he'll come back to myside..

he shove me off like worthless dog..

still i care for his well-beings tho..

am i that stupid for keeping this up..

while he never tries hard to see who i are...

am i that fool who walks beside him everytime he cast me out..

while he never try to reach deep into my heart...

i rather be the stupid who cares for others feelings

 than be called scums for what im doing...

i rather be called the fool who walks beside him 

than seeing him tumbling with no one near him...

i'm not a good girl, i'm not..

it's just my nature that i acted in the way i did..

i never build a good relationship even with those who raised me up..

but always i care for them and never give up..

the same goes to this situation..

i hate myself for not being able to hate others...

i hate myself when i can't fulfill my words..

i hate myself badly that sometimes i hurt..

but i'd rather be hurt then be the one who's hurt others..

people tell me that im foolish 

but i prove them wrong...

i'm not a foolish girl..

its just the love is so strong...

and no matter how...

i just want YOU to know..

that no matter what happens between us from now on..

u can always rely on me..

that my shoulders will always be YOURS..

my ears is all YOURS..

i will STAND right behind u when there's NO ONE..

i will HOLD u tight when ur SAD...

i will CUDDLE u in the night when ur SCARED..

i will PULL u back up when ur DOWN...

i will never GIVE UP until so tell me UR DONE...