it's been a while :D

it has been a while since last i wrote here at the heart of this page... haha.. iv been changing frens here and there yet now i think i love it living mylife like this... single and not available for the time being... huhu~~ but honestly i really like living like this... i have frens who worth millions and i might be sharing em with ya'guys... candidates for partners... hahaha... 


the thing about me is that i hardly live alone since my teenage years i've been having partners n person who lived next to me listens n scolding, supporting.. hmm... im trying to live on my own now.. try to think, to make decisions to believe but the most of all to fulfill my dream.. huhu~~ i think i want my frens to have a face here in the heart of my blog.. i'll try to blog everything... hahah... i'll kep the journals for the hard copy n softcopy, i'll put it here :D..

btw.. i gtg.. be seeing u around later..

sesuatu yang tak terjangkakan....

xsangka aku menonton cite ni terlalu lambat....

cite die best giler woo...

sweet gler smpi senyum xlepas ah dr bibir ak...

dorg mmg sweet abes... :D

eventho ak tonton agk lmbt tp ak terkilan r ngn ending cite die...

npew la dorg xkawen jerk.. kan lagi comel..

ending die ngn go eun chan jd barista jerk...

choi han kyul plak head over heals pasal go eun chan...

hahha..

but whatever... citer ni mmg mantop!!!!

my little journal (-__-)"

my little journal....

everyone has their own little journal...

and i have u for my journal...

i'm not the type to jot down everything

that happened in my life on ur big n wide chest..

but when i can't hold 'em together inside of me..

i know i can rely on u dear...

my little journal...

i have a secret to tell u...

i've fall in love with this guy...

n i love him so much that i wud cry when i'm reminded of his laugh..

when i'm reminded of how he makes me cry..

when i'm reminded of how he smile eventho i haven't 

had a chance to see it live....

but i did fall in love with this guy...

who lived far away that i can't reach him now...

only phone calls can soothe my bleeding heart...

just hearing his sweet voice cure my night...

and put a smile on my face everytime his mood is right...

my little journal....

last night was the biggest pain in my life..

as how the person i love cursed my moms life...

as how he called me badly just because i'm telling whats right...

accused me of what i haven't done...

shoved me off like i'm a dog not worthwhile...

reminding me how ugly am i...

throw harsh words that makes my heart broke in thousands piles...

shattered my feelings just for a simple guy...

who was always a friend of mine....

my little journal....

i know u can't answer me anyhow...

but i feel lucky to always have u by myside now...

to tell u the truth...

i gave everything up just for this guy..

whose a friend of mine tell me that its not worthed for me to cry..

for how he treats me with those jealousy in his eyes...

and madness when i tell he's wrong everytime...

and how he tells me that he's sickened by me time by time...

he never listen to my words..

he never care about how i feel..

he once soothe me when i cried my lungs out for a night..

(for that im thankful for his by myside)

he hears me but does he listen to what i'm saying...

he hears me but does he understand the underlying meaning..

he hears me but does he believe in my doings...

he listen to others while i'm his girlfriend..

he worship others just because i'm un ugly duckling...

he praises others just because i'm not good enough for him...

how cruel this feelings i feel that is so hard to bare with..

feels like everything around me is not moving anymore...

i have done wrong too...

i never said that i'm good...

but at least i tell the truth when he asked me to..

i tried my best not to tell those words that can break him into two..

nor tell what others saying about him..

i don't want him to hurt badly..

i just want him to be happy..

i just want him to smile only for me..

i just want him to laugh because of me..

i just want him to look at me...

i just want him always with me...

we broke up several times...

still i know he'll come back to myside..

he shove me off like worthless dog..

still i care for his well-beings tho..

am i that stupid for keeping this up..

while he never tries hard to see who i are...

am i that fool who walks beside him everytime he cast me out..

while he never try to reach deep into my heart...

i rather be the stupid who cares for others feelings

 than be called scums for what im doing...

i rather be called the fool who walks beside him 

than seeing him tumbling with no one near him...

i'm not a good girl, i'm not..

it's just my nature that i acted in the way i did..

i never build a good relationship even with those who raised me up..

but always i care for them and never give up..

the same goes to this situation..

i hate myself for not being able to hate others...

i hate myself when i can't fulfill my words..

i hate myself badly that sometimes i hurt..

but i'd rather be hurt then be the one who's hurt others..

people tell me that im foolish 

but i prove them wrong...

i'm not a foolish girl..

its just the love is so strong...

and no matter how...

i just want YOU to know..

that no matter what happens between us from now on..

u can always rely on me..

that my shoulders will always be YOURS..

my ears is all YOURS..

i will STAND right behind u when there's NO ONE..

i will HOLD u tight when ur SAD...

i will CUDDLE u in the night when ur SCARED..

i will PULL u back up when ur DOWN...

i will never GIVE UP until so tell me UR DONE...

Cinderella's Sister MV 1 It Has To Be You - Yesung (eng sub)

lyrics :

Today, i wander in my memory

I’m pasing around on the end of this way

You’re still holding me tightly, even though i can’t see you any more

I’m losing my way again

I’m praying to the sky i want see you and hold you more

that i want to see you and hold you more

It can’t be if it’s not you

i can’t be without you

it’s okay if i’m hurt for a day and a year like this

it’s fine even if my heart’s hurts

yes because i’m just in love with you

i cannot send you away one more time

i can’t live without you

it can’t be if it’s not you

i can’t be without you

it’s okay if i’m hurt for a day and a year like this

it’s fine even if my heart’s hurts

yes because i’m just in love with you

my bruised heart

is screaming to me to find you

where are you?

can’t you hear my voice?

to me…

if i live my life again

if i’m born over and over again

i can’t live without you for a day

You’re the one i will keep

you’re the one i will love

i’m…yes because i’m happy enough if i could be with you

 

 

 

.....

if only u're reading this... i would be very thankful but unfortunately... u're not reading this and u wud never know that this is what i feel... being around u make me feel warm and secure... being around u make me want u to be there and never let me go... cuz u r the one who always succeeded in putting away my tears long before they reach my eyes... u are the one who succeeded in making me smile at the thought of u... u r the one who can make me laugh at every words u say... n u r the one that can make me cry when im thinking about the time when u will be far away and not knowing when will u come back to me and fill my heart like this again... it was always u who saved me from the situation and it was always u who has saved me from these people around me and it is u who has soothed this heart ache long before it bleed... at the thought of u my smile automatically turned on and the pain suddenly dissapear... i just hope that that was the last time u'r not around but u've said it that u can't always be there but u will always return to me... i just wonder how long would u take for u to return again... 

i really missed all the things that had happened in our past... i still remember how u tell urself not to be scared just to help these two helpless girls... just how u were scred to death if u fell and hurt urself... and how u was there by myside when i need to run from the ruckuss made by all of those people.... 

and now u're here again after sometimes... and the cycle is there... u r here when i need someone to lean on to even when im not leaning on u yet i have all u ears for me, just for me... i have all ur precious times just make me feel happy even when u're tired... i really like u... i really like ur presence near me... i really like the way u make me feel happy just by telling those little lies to make me feel better... please never be far away from me... never be apart... always be here please... onegai... cuz i don't think i can stand strong without u telling me what should i do...

i wonder why.....

i keep on wondering why... for the past few days... when i watch a story... it keeps on telling me that something in that story reminds me of something but i don't know what it was or what it is... but everytime... everytime i look at the girls, i feels like both of them are me in a sense and i can't stop crying for no reason... my tears keep on rolling down these cheeks and i don't know how to stop it...

the princess : she just wanted some one to comfort her in her dusky days and nights that she always feels at lost and there's no one to try to understand how she is and who she is and the way to express her feelings is by crying - a crying baby.... in me somehow i wanted the same things... i wanted someone just to hold me tight and say that im okay... i'll be okay... and nothing can harm me in one sense but there's no one to tell me those words that i wanted to hear and there's no one for me to hold me tight and tell me the words that i longed to hear....


the sister : she is just someone who feels that she has to pay all the debt to the person who had helped her so much and she wouldn't want to build a bridge to link her heart and the person's heart so that it wouldn't be painful for her when the time comes and she had to just leave the person without any feelings of guilty. she fought with herself, hard enough to make her suffer on her own and she doesn't seem to want anyone to get to know her.... and somehow, i've been doing the same thing... not letting anyone to know me better so that it would be easier for me when i think that i shouldn't be there anymore... i've lock my heart inside out so that not even a sigle person could rest there and try to unfold the secret of me... of who i am... and what i made of...

both the character in the story reminded me of myself and how i shouldn't suppose to act those ways... i wanted someone to just hold me tight in their arms and tell me that i would be okay but somehow i avoided those feelings but comforting myself and lock myself away from those who cares about me...

what should i be doing now... i don't know.. but it would be nice if i had someone to hug me and say that its ok... that i would be ok... and i would be fine for now... but i wouldn't dare to do such things so i hold myself back from doing so and just let my mind think on her own that i would be okay.. but its not comforting me enough... so... i just don't know how to get back on my sense and stop thinking about these things anymore... i just want to feel secure in my own way again but somehow i don't know how...

gomenasai....

gomenasai for being the burden to all....

gomenasai for never keep the promises....

gomenasai for never be there when needed....

gomenasai for always cause u trouble....

gomenasai for never listen to a word u said....

gomenasai.... gomenasai... gomenasai.....

mood: hyper happy

setelah sekian lama xde isi untuk menulis kat blog aku yg tah pape ni kn... hari ni tetbe trasa nk menulis lak kt blog ni... hehe.... sbb mood hyper happy..[bleh plak sekerat intro aku ilang aduyai....]

[blh plak mcm tu je kan story aku]

smbg2... hehe....

ok2... ekteli la kn...
aku ni ade la minat tgk sorg budak yg da dewasa ni yg kje under one company ngn aku tp laen2 outlet la... ktrg terserempak byk kali tp aku hanya taw nama samaran die [tu pon kes die pakai name tag budak yg da benti kje] so aku konfiden la tu nama die.... last few days aku beranikan diri mintak no fon die tp xde lak niat nk kontek2 die... maklom la sedor diri xlawo [ wakakakaka] so wat simpanan hari benti nnt je la [ hehe... ayat org pasrah n sedaw diri ] but tanpa ku sangka, die plak mengecall aku... huhu~~ sggup tu call aku mlm2 bute lak tu... huhu~~... tu je kot cite die... happy sbb die call je... wakakakaka [ happy sebab die call je... bangang xbangang aku nih ]